The Crab

[Dirty Duck]

The amount of bots signing up has increased over tenfold the past couple of days.

I can only assume this is part of an ARG tying into the upcoming final chapter. Well done, bk. Great guerrilla marketing.

[Shyne-Bryght]

Reinforcements are on the way.

[black king]

Part 6 - Final chapter

---

Crab stared at the image. "The Kitchen Gangster? That's his title?" Crab had to hold in the laughter.

"You laugh now, but this guy was a serious annoyance back in the day." Null replied. "His bots spammed all over. Always trying to sell custom kitchens."

"On a video game forum? One that was used mostly by teens and college kids? That's like opening a car dealership in an elementary school!" Crab said. "Who on MGSF had money to buy a kitchen?"

"Oh no one." Null said flatly. 

"What do you want me to do?" 

A sigh came through the codec "Can you shut down the signal from the antenna, then destroy the node for it? That would mean he couldn't start it back up."

"That's just one floor up. I'll end it. Crab out."

Crab turned around and went back towards the stairs. He climbed the stairs to the third floor and opened the door. It wasn't as nice as the admin or mod floors. Pretty plain honestly. Just a single door to the right and the hall went to the right around a corner. Crab went to the door. The sign next to it read UTILITY. He opened the door and saw the base of the antenna and the node that goes with it, along with someone using it. The figure heard him come in.

"Oh, hello!" Miller said. "You're a member here? You're early! You guys weren't supposed to come back till after I freed you all."

"Oh...uh yeah" Crab replied, confused. "I'm just needing to access the node."

"Oh? Strange, only staff are supposed to have access to it. I don't remember seeing your face on the pictures downstairs. They ruined me you know...they kept banning my bots. I couldn't sell my kitchens and it drove me to financial ruin. They hid my posts from all the members so they weren't able to buy the products they needed. I'm not the only one they did this to, but I'm the only one willing to fight back."

"We weren't oppressed by staff banning bots. If anything, it made the forum nicer and cleaner."

"Ah, you fell for their lies my friend." Miller replied. "People like me make the world wide web go around. Buying stuff is one of the main reasons people use it! Banning my bots? Damned socialism is what it is. Look at Google or Netflix. Ads everywhere they can muster."

"Yeah, you'll notice companies make ad free as premium though." Crab countered.

"Yes. Foolish companies. They don't see the power in advertising. The people crave luxury. They crave goods. They want something physical to show for their hours wasted away at work. Not some number on a bank's website to get higher. I will eliminate these staff and restore this site and the internet itself to its one true purpose. Same as television or radio; every media exists solely to sell things to consumers! The members will welcome me as their saviour as capitalism is restored!"

"I don't think thay'll welcome you the way you think. I sure don't."

"You'd side with those fascists over me? I bring econimic freedom! Well I would have. My factory burned down so I can't even sell kitchens anymore. I had to flee the UK because the government decided my business practices weren't great. I fled to China."

"How ironic. The capitalist had to flee to communism. Save me the sad story. I need that node."

"I'm guessing you want to shut off the signal, then destroy it? Well, too bad." Miller pulled out a metal rod and stabbed it through the screen. Sparks flew out of the node and across the room. There was no way to turn off the signal now.

"You've failed, detective. Now join the staff you stood up for so foolishly."

Two bots came behind him, between him and the stairs down.

"Bots! Look at this man. Download his face" Miller ordered. "He's just been promoted to mod as the newest staff member"

Oh crap. The bots scanned Crab and immedietely turned hostile. Crab pulled out his gun and fired two shots at one and a single shot at the other taking out both. He turned towards Miller and before realizing Null's bullets only worked on bots, so Miller couldn't be taken out. Crab decided to take a tactical retreat. He bounded down the stairs to the exit. Before long he was running out the door and out into the forum. Several of Miller's bots were out, still awaiting the return of the old staff. They abandoned their ruse and pursued Crab. He fired a few times at one, banning it.

Have to find a place to hide.

The old org areas were safe, but Crab doubted he could get that far. Red Queen only ever went as far as Org Chat to keep the old orgs nearby. A newer org forum might work though.

He ran into the FoxHound Tavern and ducked into, ironically, the kitchen. He reloaded his gun, noting he was getting low on the special bullets Null had given him. He heard the other bots he'd evaded outside in the dining area.

"Mr Miller, we've lost him near the FoxHound building." one said.

An unsatisfied grunt came through their communication line. "Fine. Resume your patrols. He won't get far. Keep an eye on that wall. He'll probably make a break to run for safety or join the other survivor over there."

"Understood, sir"

The bots left and Crab allowed himself to breathe. He called Duck up and informed him of the node being destroyed while the signal remained online.

"Damn it!" Duck yelled in frustration.

"Null, is there anyway to upgrade these bullets to hit registered members? Or get more at least?"

"Sadly, no. Not unless a staff member comes to you and it sounds like you're cutoff from us."

"What about a non-staff member bringing me some? Balisticola or Roger or someone?"

"That might work, but would Miller just make them targets like he did you?" Duck responded.

"I don't know. He wants to save the members from the tyrannical staff banning all his advertising bots. Blames his low sales on not being able to sell his stuff and forcing him to flee the country. Hell, if you don't come here, he might start sending his bots over to MGF."

"I can ask if any of them want to take the risk, but it'll take a bit for them to get a train over." Duck replied.

Crab sat in silence for a second, taking in all he'd seen today. A normal day on MGF turned into a trip to his old hangout. He'd seen his old orgs, met a strange old mod, seen the inside of the staff forum...wait a second! Crab had an idea.

"Duck? Null? Hold off on the calvary for a second. I have an idea. I just need to get back into the staff forum." Crab said.

"Easier said than done I'd imagine. He's probably fortified the place." Null replied.

"Eh, I'm not so sure. He's especting me to go towards the old org forums. Truthfully I was thinking of that earlier. Reunite with RQ and come up with a plan. But he's destroyed the node. He has no need to fortify it when I'm on the run."

"Hold on a second, Crab." Came Duck's voice. The line went silent for a few minutes before Duck's voice returned.

"Crab, all of us wanted to say good luck. There's a second entrance you can use. It's in the Announcements area. on the upper floor. You can use BK's code to get in."

"Actually, I'm going to need Null's for what I have in mind."

"What? An admin's password?" Null asked, confused.

"Trust me."

Null hesistated and gave his password to Crab, quietly so no one else could hear. 

"I mean, better than BKs was. I'm heading out." Crab said and closed the codec.

He made his way over to the window and peered out. There were more bots out now, but how many were hostile? Wait a second, RQ used a cloak to hide herself a bit. Crab went over and found some spare FH cloaks. Green exterior, black interior with an orange trim. Classy.

He threw it on and went outside, hood up and head down. The bots should only bother him if he got close. He kept close to the Fine Arts area and ran headfirst into a bot turning the corner. Crap.

"Greetings! Would you be interested in my potions or spells?" The bot said cheerfully.

"Not unless you have one that can make Miller's bots like me." Crab said as he got up and walked away. He turned to make sure he hadn't drawn attention to himself. No other bots; just the one standing there with a love potion for sale on its screen.

Crab turned around the exterior or the staff building and was on the first road he had entered the site. The train station was visible to his left. This area had more bots, not to mention that obnoxious thing with the huge screen demanding you pay for the privilege of being in this hellhole. Miller would get along with that thing

The extra bots made Crab sure at least some of these were Miller's. Probably his first eyes and ears for new arrivals if a staff showed up. Two were standing in front of the Announcements area. Crab took no risks here. He snuck up on the closer of the two, placed the gun right on its head and pulled the trigger. The bot collapsed with a crash on the ground. The second bot turned towards the noise only to be facing down the barrel of Crab's pistol. The flash of the muzzle was the last thing it saw before joining its friend.

Crab ducked into the Announcements area before any other bots could investigate the noise. Announcements had two floors. One was for members to post their own announcements, and a second one  that was a balcony for staff to give site wide announcements. Crab would have to get to the balcony, which wasn't really supposed to be accessable for normal members. Thankfully, he had a key. A small elevator was sometimes used by staff to join the members after announcing things, usually for questions or celebrations. Crab found the door and punched in Null's code. He made his way in and ascended. After a few seconds he was on the balcony. He'd never seen the announcements area from this angle before. 

Gotta stay focused.

He went to the door that connects the two forum areas. Announcements was just part of the staff forum open to the public after all. He punched in the code and the door slid open into a different stairwell. Only one flight down though. Crab took it and peaked through the door. It was the first floor mod offices. There was a bot standing guard, staring at the exit he'd hauled ass out of a bit ago. Probably there in case I return after all.

Crab snuck through the door. He was going to sneak his way behind the bot when his foot tapped the trash can by Nate's old desk. Crab ducked, but the bot was coming to investigate. Gotta think fast

The bot turned the corner and saw a green cloak with it's back to it. "Greetings. May I interest you in a kitchen?" it said reaching for the cloak. The cloak fell off a coat hook on Nate's cubicle wall. 

"Error. Member misidentified. Resuming patrol."

Crab exhaled with relief as he slowly ducked out of Wayno's old cubicle. He made his way towards the main stairwell and up to the second floor. He ignored the offices and went straight to a display case. and punched in Null's code. 

"It may be ceremonial, but it's still a functioning banhammer." Crab said as he took the mighty weapon in his hands.

He went back to the third floor and peaked in the utility room. Empty. Crab went to the node with the metal pole sticking out. No saving it at all. 

If I can't stop the signal, I'll just have to knock out the antenna itself.

Crab went out of the room and took a right to follow the hall around the corner to a small staircase that led to the roof. He opened the door and the antenna was behind a fence in front of him. Crab went around the fence, past the rooftop air conditioning units, and was standing in front of the antenna. It had a dish to allow it some extra range. He just had to damage it enough to where Miller couldn't use it anymore.

"So you returned?" a voice said from behind him. It was Miller.

"I'm not letting you kill off the old mods and turn the member base into captive customers. Especially for a product they don't even want."

Miller was visibly irked at the statement. "My products are superior. Better than any of my competitions and at a lower price! The people will love them! The mods who forced me into bankruptcy? They'll pay. They have to! They can't be allowed to get away with it!"

Crab wasn't impressed. "Do you really think this forum was built to sell kitchens? Or anything else besides fun? I mean look at that" Crab pointed at the forum's old banner hanging below Duck's new one advertising MGF. "Tactical Socializing Action is what it says. Not Tactical Shopping Action. This place was designed for friends to hang out and shoot the shit about their favorite games and such."

Miller shook his head. "He still doesn't understand. The internet isn't for fun. It isn't a series of tubes. It's a medium designed to advertise. Every medium is. Do you know how many television programs back in the day were sponsored by cigarette companies? Plus the advertisements between the shows? There is no TV show out there designed to entertain you. They're all designed to get the most eyes to sell spaces to advertisers. Websites are the same. Every inch, every centimeter, of a page designed to give you advertisements. Targeted these days. Every YouTube video had advertisements before, during, and after the video along with being sponsored by Raid: Shadow Legends. Adblockers are getting banned and removed. Yet the people still come. You're wrong. People still love being advertised to. It's why Reddit is so much larger than this place could have ever dreamt of being. The members there say they don't like it. They all want the old internet back. Well, here it is! How many forums are sitting outside Reddit's doorstep, crumbling into nothingness? They aren't exactly flocking back to them despite them being right here. What people say they want and what they actually want are two different things."

"Maybe people just don't know how to change their circumstances. Don't know how to build an alternative to Reddit or whatever." Crab said.

"If they're too weak to change their circumstances or even try to do so, people assume they like them. Or if they're that weak, they deserve the boot on their neck. No one can change their circumstances but themselves...but that's enough philosophy debate. I've stalled you long enough."

Crab heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Five bots and he didn't like the look they were giving him. Crab looked in his bag. He took out his gun and took note of his other assets. Flashlight, iPod, his brass lighter, a hammer, and a prayer.

He aimed and was able to take out two bots before needing to move. The other three almost got to him and Miller was walking slowly towards him. He fired and missed at another bot. He climbed on top of the air conditioning unit to get some distance between him and the bots. 

"Banning my bots is annoying. But it's useless. When you're gone, I'll just unban them again." Miller taunted as he held up a tablet with usernames and IP addresses. "Stop struggling against the inevitable."

Crab took another shot at a bot and send a third one back to the banned list. He was about the do the same to a fourth when the fifth one grabbed his ankle and pulled him to the ground. His gun fell out of his hand and fell down the AC vent. Fuck.

Crab reached down into his bag as the bot started dragging him closer. It raised its fist to hit him, but Crab pulled out the hammer from his bag and jabbed it into the bot's screen torso. The banhammer went through the bot like butter. Crab got up and ran towards the last bot, winding up a swing and seinding it flying off the roof. 

Miller looked annoyed. He took a step towards Crab but stopped as he saw what Crab was carrying. His eyes narrowed. "How did you get a hold of that? No matter. I'll relieve you of it when we're done."

Crab took a second to catch his breath. "Actually, I had a question for you. Relating to your kitchens."

Miller's expression changed in an instant. "About my kitchens? See? I told you people on here would be interested. I've finally gotten through to you!"

"What do you recommend to clean them?"

"The kitchen pieces? Well it depends." Miller pulled out his own bag. "For sinks or anything else metallic, Id recommend this." He held up a bottle of cleaner for stainless steel and chrome finishes. "For counters, any safe chemical cleaner of your choice. For..."

"What about dusting?" Crab interrupted.

"Dust? Well a dustcloth would work for basic cleaning. For hard to get areas..." He pulled out a can with a nozzle. "Air in a can!" He set all the cleaners on the ledge.

"Would that cleaner for sinks and stuff work on this antenna?"

"It's designed for metal, so probably. But without proper market testing and focus groups and..."

Crab grabbed the cleaner and the and canned air. He dumped the cleaner on the antenna. I  hope this reacts the way I need it to.

Crab flipped his brass zippo open and sprayed the canned air through it. The can got cold as he used it and but the cleaner did ignite the antenna.

"NO!" Miller yelled running over to the antenna looking to extinguish the flames. Crab took the opportunity. He sprayed the air on Miller and ignited his shoulder. Miller panicked and began taking off his jacket and tried to stomp the flames out. Crab dropped the air can, grabbed the hammer in his bag and swung hard, hitting Miller in the chest and sending him flying, his username turning brown as he went. 

Crab grabbed Miller's tablet from his jacket before throwing it onto the burning antenna. He pulled up the list of Miller's bot army. He set the tablet on the ground and dropped the banhammer on it. A surge of power went out from the tablet and Crab heard a lot of small explosions. 

"Kitchen's closed." Crab said to no one in particular. I'm turning into Leon Kennedy

He called up Duck for one last update as he began descending the staff building towards the train station.

"Crab, Null's reporting the signal has stopped." Duck said.

"Good. I burned the antenna. The plastic, wiring, and electrical componenets are toast."

"And Vance Miller?"

"Banned as well. Distracted him with a good old fasioned Zanzibar-beque. All his bots followed suit. I'm heading back to MGF."

"Roger that!" Duck responded. That was the happiest Crab had heard him in a while.

Crab got to the train and punched in his destination. He took a seat and thought about what had happened. Red Queen would make her way off eventually. There's no way she didn't notice all the bots exploding. It had been nice to see the old foum again, even if it was just bot city. But his friends were awaiting him on their new home. He did pick a couple things up for old times. 




Maybe Null or Duck or an old OH member would appreciate it. 




And this for when Screaming Mantis can be updated.

Maybe Duck would give him a colored username for his efforts. Or a cool codename with a magnifying glass or something. Or maybe just a bag of cash for a job well done. Either way, time to go home Crab thought as the train took him home. 

---

@tr0nic thanks for letting me borrow your private investigator persona for a silly story.